Feeling Defeated

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Somedays I feel like I have completely failed my baby. As much as I’ve tried and struggled along the way to breastfeed. I have failed. I feel bipolar at times for feeling so happy that we have a breastfeeding relationship. Then my emotions come crashing down when I start struggling to get the Lact-aid tube positioned just right for her to get milk as she is screaming. Sometimes it works fine and other times we end up crying together.
I’m just not ready to let go of our breastfeeding relationship and even though its not enough I am giving her breast milk and that is good for her. I pray in hopes for some sort of miracle and everydkay I am hopeful and thankful that I can offer some. 
My hubby is always very reassuring that I am not a failure when I cry about god giving us breast for our babies and mine don’t work but I cant overlook the fact that medically women who can not provide 100% of the milk needed by their babies are called lactation failures.
If I were to stop now I would be devastated. My baby nurses to sleep, for comfort, for naps, when we cuddle in bed. I just feel so overwhelmed and bad when I can’t get that tube right in her mouth or sometimes when I am rushing to get the Lact-aid ready for a feeding. Maybe using the Lact-aid would get easier and if I stop now I will never know. I have tons of thoughts running through my head

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One of the most overwhelming is thinking one day I might have a full supply. Its positive thinking but foolish as well because if in 2 and a half months I haven’t had a full supply I don’t think it will happen. I should be more grateful I know but some days are just though.

No one ever tells you how hard breastfeeding could be.

Breastfeeding Relationship Love

image Even though I need to use a Lact-aid to help me breastfeed, we share a bond and a love that is indescribable. If I had to give a couple words… Pure, kind, precious, & beautiful, to say the very least. image I wish I could exclusively breastfeed but we had a rough start. Mia loves to nurse and I cherish every moment. Here are some picture of us breastfeeding through our 2 and a half month journey. image image image image image image image

Park and Boobs

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My precious gifts from god

Yesterday (Memorial Day) we returned from our trip to New Jersey and decided to have a nice little picnic. So we packed up the kids, and I made some sandwiches and we hit the road.
I am much more comfortable nursing in public now even while using the Lact-aid so I feel more free. I also feel like we have more of a real breastfeeding relationship with the Lact-aid compared to the sns.

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Watching JJ in the playground

While Mia, daddy, and I sat there chatting eating sandwiches and watching Jayden play, I breastfeed and Mia seemed to be enjoying the breeze along with the site of the trees waving.

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Mia and daddy

The hubby got to spend a bit more time with little Ms, Missy. He works very hard so that I can stay home with the kids and times like this are precious to us.

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Selfie

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At the end of all the fun

Breastfeeding on the Boardwalk

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On the Atlantic city peer with my goofy 5 year old Jayden & 9 week old Mia.

OK, so yesterday hubby, the kids and I went to the boardwalk while visiting the in-laws and it was very hot so I refused to cover up while feeding the little one. Besides she was looking around at everything that had never seen before. So, we go about our stroll down the boardwalk in search of somewhere yummy to eat. I received some encouraging looks and smiles, which felt very nice of course. I was using the Lact-aid and I manage to use it very discreetly.  I did get a ignorant reaction from some teen boys which is to be expected but in a perfect world kids would grow up knowing what breast are really meant for. They were shocked and I understand. I am at least glad that was the strangest reaction I got. A lady even interacted with me and told me she is still bf-ing her 1 and a half year old and also did breast and formula which is always very encouraging to hear about moms who combined fed and make it long term.
I hadn’t looked up the bf-ing laws in Jersey before going out breastfeeding in public but I decided to go for it anyway. I figured most states are “Your baby could feed anywhere they are permitted to be”
So far I don’t mind breastfeeding in public. On the contrary, breastfeeding in public should be normalized one breast at a time.

My Lact-aid Nursing Trainer

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Making it more visible for the picture

First I want to start off with, WOW this and the Medela sns are like night and day. I offer the Lact-aid hands down.
Anyway, here I am breastfeeding little Mia with the Lact-aid. I have been using it for 3 days today and so far I love it because it doesn’t leak, its not bulky or hard, has one tube, and best of all is discreet. Its been a bit tricky for me to latch her on with the tube in the right place because this one can really go on the side but I am getting the hang of it. Mia doesn’t seem to mind as long as she gets to nurse.

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Laying down with Lact-aid tucked under my shirt and no tape

I have yet to try using it in public but I’m sure I will have plenty of time to try because this is a long weekend and next weekend we are going to New York.
I am looking forward to see if it increases my milk supply at all.

The Morning Pump

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Lefty is an under achiever

Let me start of by saying to 2oz is the max I have ever pumped and usually only in morning. This is what I pumped today at 8:00am before our morning feed. Why pump before a feeding you may ask? Well I received my Lact-aid yesterday morning and wanted to put my BM into the Lact-aid and further stimulate my production. I also hadn’t been checking on my pump output and wanted to make sure it hasn’t tank any further, which it hasn’t. There could possibly be a slight increase because even though I usually get 2oz its usually 1oz each. Getting a bit less at times from lefty is normal for me but more than an 1oz is not the norm.

Giving pumping a second chance

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Pumping hands free with my DIY hands free sports bra for the first time.

Ok, so I had given up pumping about 2 weeks ago because it was really stressing me out. Pumping consistently and always getting 1oz or less, with the exception of morning pumps which I would get about 2oz.
Last night I asked DH to stop in at Walmart and get me a sports bra and he came home with a 2 pack. This morning I cut little holes on the nipple area to get some hands free pumping going. What can I say? Well pumping hands free is much less stressful then joggling the pump with my arm and hands.

I was able to pump almost 2oz (I had comfort nursed Mia about 15 minutes prior) and I usually get 2oz in the am pump. Being hands free allowed me to do compressions and massage for more milk flow.